October 30, 2003

Chemo 4 and 5

Feeling a bit rocky over the past couple of days, and rather plaintive.

The skies have been overcast and it seems to have been raining for days, so my healing sky glimpses haven't been available to make things better. I know conventional wisdom always says go someplace special in your head when you feel bad -- by the sea, in the woods, near a river -- but that's something I've never been able to achieve on demand. Instead, I seem to go to my Unhappy Place, as I've always thought of it: a very still, quiet space where I just wait for stuff to be over. Quite a bit of time in my Unhappy Place this past two days.

This isn't awful awful stuff -- on a Not Fun Scale of 0-10, where 10 is Absolutely No Fun At All, Not to be Borne, I'm no higher than a four or five. But the constant niggling feeling of seasickness kept me awake a couple nights, and things taste funny (baby peas -- a favourite treat -- taste like dirty dishwater -- feh!) and my tongue and my fingertips are numb and tingly and...

Bottom line is, I guess it's easier to be in touch with the damage chemo is doing me than the good right now. Then again, those nasty pulpy lumpy lymph nodes are all reduced and discreet, so obviously some good stuff is going on.

It seems like early days to be whingeing, given that I'm essentially pain-free and still at home. But whingeing has been what I've felt like doing. Fretful.

Today's a bit better: new anti-nausea meds from the oncologette have made life a lot easier, and I slept through the night last night. Plus today was a beautiful fall day again, and although I still tended to see it through a glass darkly, I could feel the sun on my arm and see the shininess of the autumn leaves. And chemo was only a two hour process today, not four or five like yesterday.

One more chemo tomorrow, and then a whole glorious weekend free of the stuff.

Posted by maddy at October 30, 2003 07:26 PM
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