Having never really had any religious faith at any stage in my life, I nevertheless now find myself haunted by the prayer of St Ignatius Loyola, remembered from high school days forty years ago.
"For I have done those things which I ought not to have done,
and I have left undone those things I ought to have done, and
there is no health in me".
It's a challenge, picking one's way between self-excoriation (nothing to do but lie down and yowl) and denial (nothing to see here, move along), in the face of all the inadequacies and mistakes and screw-ups. It's hard finding energy to do what I need to do to, but there's no burking it. I have to do long overdue chores so I can manage my life over this next difficult year, give myself some small degree of security.
It's a grey day today, inside and out. I'm feeling physically better, though, so I just need to focus and get through today's chores, and let worries about yesterday go, and let worries about tomorrow go, so I can use my energy for today.
Great. I seem to have invented Twelve Step Cancer.
In happier thoughts, a coffee-roasting friend just sent fresh home-roasted beans, so I can start the day with a delicious cappuccino. Another friend sent an entire care package of Brit goodies (Digestive biscuits! Lucozade -- The Drink That Brings You Health!), so I can have toast and Silver Shred for a mid-morning snack. And dear friends have provided great sumptuous heaps of fluffy towels, so I can have a great big bath each day without worrying about doing the laundry all the time.Posted by maddy at October 23, 2003 08:49 AM